I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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