someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
