somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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