Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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