Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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