Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
