is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
