Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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