remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
