Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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