you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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