My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
