the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So vagazzling was a success
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
