It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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