I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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