fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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