am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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