when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
look no pants
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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