Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
