literally had 100 drinks last night.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
