Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
