There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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