How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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