Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There's always time for handjobs
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
