he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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