Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
