i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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