i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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