got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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