well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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