singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
