I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
