Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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