they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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