I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
