Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
