whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Ketchup is God's man juice
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
