P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
