I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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