whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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