some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS