Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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