The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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