I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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