I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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