I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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