I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
