Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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