dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
