you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
