So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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