last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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