i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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