dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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