i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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