i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
