she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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