Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She bit a glass in half.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
