were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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