You're my little dorito
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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