Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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