Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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