I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
