i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
